How does a young person find a marriage partner without dating? What is the Gurmat way?

According to Sikh tradition, a boy and girl are introduced to one another or the idea of marriage is facilitated by a middle-person known as “bacholaa” or “match-maker”. The match-maker could be a friend, family member, member of local Sangat, or an elder Gursikh. The main thing is that there should be a middle person involved as a mediator.

Why do you have to have a mediator or middle-person?
Suppose you have a friend who you wish to marry. You ask her, “Would you marry me?” If she doesn’t feel same way then you will always feel uncomfortable when you meet that person and things would not be the same. It can be embarrassing, pressurising and it does not reflect good on the person asking. The person may think, “has he just been thinking of marrying me since I first met him?” Guru Sahib has warned us to avoid any situation, which gets us entangled in desires and lust (kaam). One should see every woman with the same vision one sees one’s mother, sister or daughter.

How does it all work out?
A bachola (match-matcher) who knows both parties matches the gunn (virtues) of the two individuals. If both personalities are good for one another’s jeevan and Rehit then great. The boy and girl’s opinion on getting married would be sought. They may consider viewing a photo, knowing more, getting a second opinion from someone who lives in the same area as the other person etc.

If the boy and girl agree on considering the possible match then the match-maker would consult the parents and arrange a meeting. Sometimes parents talk on the phone before meeting. It all depends on whether the girl and boy as well as both parties get on and feel they are suitable matches. If all parties agree and consent then things progress.

Marriage suitability based on virtues not lust
One can look at the Saakhi of Guru Amar Daas Ji asking his daughter what type of husband she wants to marry. She didn’t say “I want to marry Bhai Jethaa”. The Saakhi says that the Mata Bhani Ji (Guru Ji’s daughter) told her father, “I would like a husband with the virtues (gunn) Bhai Jethaa has”. Guru Sahib overlooked socio-economic factors (which many of us nowadays get stuck in) and matched the virtues of both parties and asked Bhai Jethaa whether he accepts marriage to his daughter.

This illustrates that one should look at virtues of a person rather than the person itself. Ultimately the rest is in Guru Sahib’s hands. Do Ardaas, read Gurbaani and do as much Simran – Waheguru Himself shows one the true way. Keep faith and Waheguru will arrange all your affairs for you, including finding a marriage partner.