How do I find my future spouse? I am confused considering we can’t have girlfriends.
‘ASSISTED MARRIAGE’ INSTEAD OF ‘LOVE MARRIAGE’
Marriage is a sacred event, it is meant to connect two souls as one and is the paramount relationship in anybodies life. There seems today to be a lack in that sacredness in marriage. The reason for this is that so many people today are getting married for emotional reasons. Any time that you make a momentous decision in life you should not make that decision based on the emotion of it but on the reasonable practical and logical one.
Love is about security. People who marry emotionally often find themselves not being able to get through tough times because they come to a point where they wonder what they ever saw in the other person. Love is something which can grow from a relationship. Before a couple get married that they need to analyze all the reasons why it is a good match. If they decide that they can get through all the hard timers etc then they should go ahead with it. Something that I think that is lacking in marriages today is that it is made into this happy happy joy joy thing and the two people who are getting married are not told that there will be hard times and there will be days where you just want to kill each other and that is part of the process. Mental Preparedness.
I think it needs to be said here that the only way to be really happy in a marriage is to be completely committed. If there is any duality in your mind it will not be good for you. Sometimes you just need to trust in Waheguru. Guru will not let you down. Have trust and faith, they are very hard and abstract things to believe in, but those who do always seem to be satisfied.
At the end of the day Waheguru is always thinking out for you, so have faith in Him. You don’t need to look out for girls and boys in the wrong manner in order to get married and keep thinking this when meeting someone at university or college etc, rather leave it to Waheguru. Trust in the Guru and everything will be as it should be.
TRADITIONAL GURSIKH WAY OF BEING INTRODUCED
The first thing to do when you are ready to get married tell your parents, elder Gursikhs, relatives or respected elders of the community/Sangat who will arrange suitable rishta’s (match-ups).
The main thing is that I think there should be a middle person involved as a mediator. Why? Suppose you have a friend who you wish to marry. You ask her, “Would you marry me?” If she doesn’t feel same way – you will always feel uncomfortable when you meet that person and things would not be the same. It can be embarrassing, pressurising and it does not reflect good on the person asking – the person will think, “has he just been thinking of marrying me since I first met him?” Guru Sahib has warned us to avoid any situation, which gets us entangled in desires and lust (kaam). One should see every woman with the same vision one sees one’s mother, sister or daughter.
A bachola (match-matcher) who knows both parties matches the gunn (virtues) of the two individuals. If both personalities are good for one another’s jeevan and Rehit then great.
ARRANGED DATES THROUGH MATRIMONIAL SERVICES
When all other avenues have failed and there is no success with match-makers through Gursikhs/Sangat/parents/friends etc, some people choose to use Sikh matrimonial services. There are pros and cons to controlled dating in regards to meeting people through matrimonial websites, matrimonial services at gurdwaras, or matrimonial columns in newspapers. If dating is done with consciousness and grace, then I could see that it could possibly be a good way to look for a wife. You would have to be very honest about it – not doing it for sex, ego or popularity. When it is done for those reasons, people get hurt and lose trust in relationships. If you are honest about your intent of looking for a wife/husband and building relationships based on friendship first, and open communication about what you want and need in a wife/husband and they are honest with you about what they want and need in a husband/wife, then it could work.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A POSSIBLE MATCH
One can look at the Saakhi of Guru Amardaas Sahib jee asking her daughter what type of husband she wants. She didn’t say “I want to marry Bhai Jethaa”. The Saakhi says that the Mata Bhani said, “I would like a husband with the virtues (gunn) Bhai Jethaa has”. Guru Sahib overlooked socio-economic factors (which many of us nowadays get stuck in) and matched the virtues of both parties and asked Bhai Jethaa whether he accepts marriage to his daughter. This illustrates that one should look at virtues of a person rather than the person itself. The rest is in Guru Sahib’s hands.
When meeting a potential candidate for marriage through an arranged meeting by elders, ask yourselves questions about your goals in life, about children, household chores, careers, politics, i.e. anything which is important to you. Stay away from sex, which only complicates things and makes the relationship based on lust and desires instead of those things which will make your marriage enduring. If you are wanting to just flirt around and have as much sex as you can, then admit that that is what you want. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you want to be modern and find your own wife. What you want is sex, it’s simple. If you want to date to find a compatible, loving wife for yourself, then do your search in a very conscious, kind and mature way whether that is through matrimonial websites/newspaper ads or through match-makers (bachole).
It is your job to be a conscious Sikh, finding your answers from that pure Guru consciousness within. Trust, relax, do Ardaas, read Gurbaani and do as much Simran – Waheguru Himself shows one the true way. Keep faith and Waheguru will look after you.